Wordiness

IMPORTANT: This topic is about wordiness. However, all of the following examples contain discussions of multiple subjects—not just wordiness. Therefore, in addition to wordiness, you are going to learn a lot of different things about good writing and rewriting.

Example 1

REWRITE THIS PARAGRAPH

PROBLEM

  • Clean up the wordiness.
  • Use the present tense instead of the perfect tenses.
  • The acronym CDN in parentheses does not take a plural form.
  • To improve readability, start a new sentence after the phrase private clouds.
  • Replace utilizing with use.

DISCUSSION

Wordiness

I am not sure what more and more adds to the meaning of the sentence. More and more compared to what? The author never offers any comparison. Therefore, take out this empty expression.

Perfect Tenses

1

Don’t say this:

Many enterprises are using….

Say this:

Enterprises use….

2

Don’t say this:

are now migrating

Say this:

migrate

Acronym

Acronyms do not take a plural form. This is what it should look like:

content delivery networks (CDN)

Simple Sentences

Break the second sentence into two sentences. This improves readability.

  • Having seen the value created with public-facing apps, enterprises migrate their internal data center infrastructure and business applications to both public and private clouds.
  • This enables them to highlight the importance of private connections to cloud services.

Utilizing

Use the verb use.

REVISION

Before

More and more, many enterprises are using the public Internet and cloud-based services like web hosting and content delivery networks (CDNs) to deliver both the front-end customer experience and the back-end processing and functions. Having seen the value created with public-facing apps, many enterprises are now migrating their internal data center infrastructure and business applications to both public and private clouds, emphasizing the importance of private connections to cloud services. Read this executive brief to learn the advantages of utilizing private connections to the cloud.

After

Many enterprises use the public Internet and cloud-based services like web hosting and content delivery networks (CDN) to deliver both the front-end customer experience and the back-end processing and functions. Having seen the value created with public-facing apps, enterprises migrate their internal data center infrastructure and business applications to both public and private clouds. This enables them to highlight the importance of private connections to cloud services. Read this executive brief to learn the advantages of using private connections to the cloud.

Example 2

REWRITE THESE SENTENCES

PROBLEM

Each sentence contains an example of wordiness.

DISCUSSION

Wordiness:

  • whatever information is needed
  • accomplish transmission and delivery
  • have been provided for invoking
  • that are currently in the process of being phased out
  • be able to cover
  • or intended

NOTE: While the words designed and intended are not synonyms, they are very similar. It sounds redundant to the ear. Choose one or the other. Don’t use both.

REVISIONS

Before

The envelope contains whatever information is needed to accomplish transmission and delivery.

Several functions have been provided for invoking the CoolApp on certain pages.

For your convenience, we have included some historical terms that are currently in the process of being phased out.

It should be able to cover 95% of the use cases, but it was never designed or intended to be the ultimate implementation for scopes enforcement.

After

The envelope contains the information needed to transmit and deliver.

Several functions invoke the CoolApp on certain pages.

For your convenience, we include some historical terms currently being phased out.

It should cover 95% of the use cases, but it was never designed to be the ultimate implementation for scopes enforcement.

Example 3

REWRITE THIS SENTENCE

PROBLEM

The sentence is a good example of wordiness.

DISCUSSION

Change the beginning of the sentence from this:

The purpose of this document is to provide comprehensive instructions for configuring the recommended AllCache plug-in….

To this:

This document shows you how to configure the AllCache plug-in….

Rationale

  1. Every document has a purpose. Why state the obvious?
  2. Stripped down to its essentials, the sentence is simply saying, This document shows you how to configure blah blah blah. The example sentence uses many more words to say the same thing.
  3. Why is the word recommended in the sentence? It is superfluous. In this context, it is obvious the author recommends the plug-in. No need to belabor the point.

REVISION

Before

[24 words]

The purpose of this document is to provide comprehensive instructions for configuring the recommended AllCache plug-in that is included with the dynamic content service.

After

[16 words]

This document shows you how to configure the AllCache plug-in included with the dynamic content service.

Example 4

REWRITE THESE SENTENCES

PROBLEM

Our problem sentences are examples of wordiness. The following identifies the verbose passages (in brackets):

[It is designed to be used] from either an HTML client or a native mobile client.

This document [is prepared to explain] the RESTful APIs to be implemented for the Fake Device Database Service.

[To do this] click [on the] Register New API [button and you will see a screen such as the one below].

Before [you are able to deploy] your API to an environment, [you must] specify at least one origin base name in your API.

DISCUSSION

Wordiness means given to the use of too many words. Wordiness is verbose language.

Wordiness means taking more words than necessary to make your point. It may take the form of redundant expressions or phrases. To be sure, longer expressions may be appropriate at times as a matter of style or to avoid ambiguity. But some writers clutter their sentences and paragraphs with words, phrases, and expressions that needlessly distract the reader.

Consistent elimination of wordiness results in a stronger, more concise writing style that is easier to read and provides fewer opportunities for misinterpretation. In contrast, a wordy style makes reading laborious. Wordiness encourages skimming and leads to inattention.

Do you want the reader to carefully consider your message? If so, reduce wordiness to the greatest extent possible.

REVISIONS

1

Before

[16 words]

It is designed to be used from either an HTML client or a native mobile client.

After

[12 words]

Use it for either an HTML client or a native mobile client.

2

Before

[18 words]

This document is prepared to explain the RESTful APIs to be implemented for the Fake Device Database Service.

After

[15 words]

This document describes the RESTful APIs to be implemented for the Fake Device Database Service.

3

Before

[21 words]

To do this click on the Register New API button and you will see a screen such as the one below.

After

[4 words]

Click Register New API.

NOTE: If the figure immediately follows the text, you do not need to make an announcement.

4

Before

[23 words]

Before you are able to deploy your API to an environment, you must specify at least one origin base name in your API.

After

[18 words]

Before you deploy your API to an environment, specify at least one origin base name in your API.

Example 5

REWRITE THESE SENTENCES

PROBLEM

The first sentence is too wordy. In addition to wordiness, the second sentence has problems with its verb forms.

The suspect part of the first sentence is in brackets.

The following diagram [provides a visual representation of] the guest controller function.

And the second sentence:

This activity [can be used to see if you want to determine] whether a guest [has been] banned from access.

DISCUSSION

In the first sentence, replace the five-word verb form with a single verb.

The second sentence is even more fun. Replace the 10-word mess, which includes the Can Do Something construction, with a single verb. Also, at the end of the sentence, change the past tense to the present.

REVISION

1

Before

The following diagram provides a visual representation of the guest controller function.

After

The following diagram shows the guest controller function.

2

Before

This activity can be used to see if you want to determine whether a guest has been banned from access.

After

This activity determines whether a guest is banned from access.

Example 6

REWRITE THIS SENTENCE

PROBLEM

So many words to say so little.

DISCUSSION

This very long and awkward sentence can be boiled down to a few choice words delivered in a straightforward manner.

REVISION

Before

There are considerations you should be aware of in regard to how best to handle the data returned by the app controller.

After

When you get the app controller data, do the following.

Example 7

REWRITE THESE SENTENCES

PROBLEM

Our problem sentences are examples of wordiness. The wordy passages are in brackets:

When you first go to the portal, you [will be taken to a screen that looks like the] following [image].

This [works in much the same way as] resource matching.

The user [will have the ability to] order the pairs where the top pair [is used to] match first.

[In this example,] the monitor scope [is intended to] provide access to a monitoring client.

DISCUSSION

Each example sentence has a roundabout way of getting to the point. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Make sure each sentence ends up in a straight line.

REVISIONS

Before

When you first go to the portal, you will be taken to a screen that looks like the following image.

This works in much the same way as resource matching.

The user will have the ability to order the pairs where the top pair is used to match first.

In this example, the monitor scope is intended to provide access to a monitoring client.

After

When you first go to the portal, this is your UI.

This is similar to resource matching.

The user can order the pairs where the top pair matches the first.

The monitor scope provides access to a monitoring client.

NOTE: Don’t beat around the bush. Say what you have to say, and then move on.

Example 8

REWRITE THIS SENTENCE

PROBLEM

We need to trim the fat off this sentence.

Also, why does the author use a parenthetical expression? Is it necessary? Can we find a better, more direct way to say the same thing?

DISCUSSION

This sentence suffers from wordiness in several areas. The author uses a lot of loose language to say something quite simple.

Let’s begin with the phrase

This is an indicator that describes….

To indicate (and its variants) and to describe basically mean the same thing. We can condense these words.

Turning to the parenthetical expression (in milliseconds), why not say this?

how many milliseconds it takes to execute a query.

REVISION

Before

[17 words]

This is an indicator that describes how long it took for a query to execute (in milliseconds).

After

[11 words]

This indicates how many milliseconds it takes to execute a query.

Example 9

REWRITE THESE SENTENCES

PROBLEM

The word would.

DISCUSSION

The verb forms would, should, and could are auxiliary verbs. They always precede a main verb. Auxiliary verbs are also known as helping verbs.

Take the main verb to run. The auxiliary verbs look like this:

  • It would run
  • He should run
  • They could run

Try to avoid auxiliary verbs in technical writing. It is more forceful and direct to just have the subject and verb. For example:

  • It runs
  • He runs
  • They run

Most of the time, the subject and verb don’t need any help.

REVISIONS

Before

This would allow you to do region-specific marketing by using the returned email address to target users in a specific area.

If you wanted to return the 201st. item in a collection, you would need to specify a start value of 201.

This would return the following data.

After

This allows you to do region-specific marketing by using the returned email address to target users in a specific area.

If you wanted to return the 201st. item in a collection, you need to specify a start value of 201.

This returns the following data.

Example 10

REWRITE THIS SENTENCE

PROBLEM

The two problems—wordiness and the use of the past perfect tense—are interconnected. Both problems appear in the first part of the sentence. We can fix both with one correction. See the Discussion for an explanation.

DISCUSSION

Wordiness

If a software product offers certain feature and benefits to a user, one assumes it is according to design. It is superfluous to mention that something is designed a certain way.

Do you care how something is designed to work? Do I care? Most of the time, you and I don’t care whether something is designed to deliver something a certain way. We just want expected outcomes.

Perfect Tenses

The phrase “It was designed to offer” is in the past perfect tense. The present perfect is “It is designed to offer.” Don’t use either one. Why? Because it is a complicated way to make a simple point. Stick to the basic subject and verb. Use the present tense, “It offers.”

REVISION

Before

It was designed to offer a blend of the key features available in the Beacon and the wireless alerts systems.

After

It offers a blend of the key features available in the Beacon and the wireless alerts systems.

Example 11

REWRITE THIS SENTENCE

PROBLEM

Too wordy. You need to cut this message down to the bare minimum of words.

DISCUSSION

The problem area in the example sentence is in brackets:

Release managers [are those individuals you want to grant the right] to deploy your API.

Say this instead:

Release managers grant you the right to deploy your API.

REVISION

Before

[15 words]

Release managers are those individuals you want to grant the right to deploy your API.

After

[10 words]

Release managers grant you the right to deploy your API.

Example 12

REWRITE THIS SENTENCE

PROBLEM

The section in brackets is too wordy:

The FakeCorp ID UI [has been redesigned so that it provides] the best user experience on mobile platforms.

DISCUSSION

Instead of saying this:

The FakeCorp ID UI has been redesigned so that it provides….

Say this:

The FakeCorp ID UI redesign provides….

REVISION

Before

The FakeCorp ID UI has been redesigned so that it provides the best user experience on mobile platforms.

After

The FakeCorp ID UI redesign provides the best user experience on mobile platforms.

Example 13

REWRITE THIS SENTENCE

PROBLEM

Too many words. As Emperor Joseph says to Mozart in the movie Amadeus:

Cut a few and it will be perfect.*

*Too many notes for the royal ear.

DISCUSSION

The problem area is in brackets:

This page [will provide a quick tutorial for getting set up for] the default FakeCorp ID UI experience.

REVISION

Before

[18 words]

This page will provide a quick tutorial for getting set up for the default FakeCorp ID UI experience.

After

[14 words]

This page shows you how to set up the default FakeCorp ID UI experience.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING DIFFERENT

*This scene from Amadeus cracks me up:

EMPEROR: Well, Herr Mozart! A good effort. Decidedly that. An excellent effort! You’ve shown us something quite new today.

[Mozart bows frantically: he is over-excited.]

MOZART: It is new, it is, isn’t it, Sire?

EMPEROR: Yes, indeed.

MOZART: So then you like it? You really like it, Your Majesty?

EMPEROR: Of course I do. It’s very good. Of course now and then – just now and then – it gets a touch elaborate.

MOZART: What do you mean, Sire?

EMPEROR: Well, I mean occasionally it seems to have, how shall one say? [he stops in difficulty; turning to Orsini-Rosenberg] How shall one say, Director?

ORSINI-ROSENBERG: Too many notes, Your Majesty?

EMPEROR: Exactly. Very well put. Too many notes.

MOZART: I don’t understand. There are just as many notes, Majesty, as are required. Neither more nor less.

EMPEROR: My dear fellow, there are in fact only so many notes the ear can hear in the course of an evening. I think I’m right in saying that, aren’t I, Court Composer?

SALIERI: Yes! yes! er, on the whole, yes, Majesty.

MOZART: But this is absurd!

EMPEROR: My dear, young man, don’t take it too hard. Your work is ingenious. It’s quality work. And there are simply too many notes, that’s all. Cut a few and it will be perfect.

MOZART: Which few did you have in mind, Majesty?

EMPEROR: Well. There it is.

Example 14

REWRITE THIS SENTENCE

PROBLEM

Wordiness.

DISCUSSION

Don’t say this:

This response is returned….

Say this:

This response returns….

Also, don’t say this:

…if you make a call to the did.getUser() method….

Say this:

…if you call the did.getUser() method

REVISION

Before

This response is returned if you make a call to the did.getUser() method and a user is not already logged in.

After

This response returns if you call the did.getUser() method and a user is not already logged in.

Example 15

REWRITE THIS SENTENCE

PROBLEM

Wordiness. The suspect words are in brackets:

This page [provides a summary of] the methods and events supported by theFakeCorp ID UI API.

DISCUSSION

What is the difference between provides a summary of and summarizes? I’ll give you 10 seconds.

REVISION

Before

This page provides a summary of the methods and events supported by the FakeCorp ID UI API.

After

This page summarizes the methods and events supported by the FakeCorp ID UI API.

Example 16

REWRITE THIS SENTENCE

PROBLEM

Wordiness.

DISCUSSION

The verbose language is in brackets:

[A consequence of this is that] clients are unable to easily follow links included in responses.

REVISION

Before

[16 words]

A consequence of this is that clients are unable to easily follow links included in responses.

After

[11 words]

Consequently, clients are unable to easily follow links included in responses.

Example 17

REWRITE THIS LIST

PROBLEM

Wordiness.

DISCUSSION

Each bullet point begins with the phrase Verifies that the. We need to move the verb verifies to the introduction to the bullet points.

Don’t say this:

The validation endpoint does the following:

Say this:

The validation endpoint verifies the following:

REVISION

Before

The validation endpoint does the following:

    • Verifies that the username or email address is unique.
    • Verifies that the guest’s display name is unique in the business unit’s namespace.
  • Verifies that the guest’s password meets acceptable FakeCorpID criteria.

After

[with end punctuation}

The validation endpoint verifies the following:

    • Username or email address is unique.
    • User’s display name is unique in the business unit’s namespace.
    • User’s password meets acceptable FakeCorpID criteria.

[without end punctuation—my preference}

The validation endpoint verifies the following:

    • Username or email address is unique
    • User’s display name is unique in the business unit’s namespace
  • User’s password meets acceptable FakeCorpID criteria

Example 18

REWRITE THIS SENTENCE

PROBLEM

Wordiness. Again.

DISCUSSION

1

Don’t say this:

The API has functions that enable you to register….

Say this:

The API enables you to register….

Or this:

The API lets you register….

2

We know the API has functions. It is redundant to say so.

3

Don’t say this:

…to be called when an event fires.

Say this:

…to call when an event fires.

REVISION

Before

[18 words]

The API has functions that enable you to register a function to be called when an event fires.

After

[14 words / 13 words]

The API enables you to register a function to call when an event fires.

Or

The API lets you register a function to call when an event fires.

Example 19

REWRITE THIS SENTENCE

PROBLEM

Do the following:

  • Break up this mission statement into two sentences.
  • Change the future tense to the present tense.
  • Fix the capitalization errors.
  • Eliminate all wordiness.
  • Make sure the word usage is correct.

DISCUSSION

Simple Sentences

The sentence starts out like this:

This change will allow us to better leverage our talent base in an area where developmental roles are under way….

Stop at that point and start a new sentence.

For the second sentence, don’t say this:

This change strategically focuses us toward the upcoming Business System transition….

Say this (also, note business system is all lower case):

Now we can focus on the upcoming business system transition….

Present vs. Future

1

Don’t say this:

This change will allow us to better leverage our talent base in an area where developmental roles are under way.

Say this:

This change allows us to better leverage our talent base in an area where developmental roles are under way.

2

Don’t say this:

The change strategically focuses us toward the upcoming Business System transition where Systems literacy and accuracy will be essential to maintain and to further improve service levels to our customer base going forward.

Say this:

Now we can focus on the upcoming Business System transition where Systems literacy and accuracy is essential to maintain and to further improve service levels to our customer base going forward.

Capitalization

Make these words all lower case:

  • business system
  • systems

In this context, they should not be capitalized because they don’t represent a marketing brand or a company product. They are just ordinary words.

Wordiness and Usage

1

In the first sentence, remove the phrase in an area. Here is how the first sentence should read:

This change allows us to better leverage our talent base where developmental roles are under way.

2

In the second sentence, do the following:

  • Remove the word strategically (by definition, a mission statement is about strategy. This big fancy word is superfluous)
  • Replace toward with on
  • Remove the words to further
  • Remove the words going forward

Instead of saying this:

This change strategically focuses us toward the upcoming business system transition where systems literacy and accuracy is essential to maintain and to further improve service levels to our customer base going forward.

Say this:

Now we can focus on the upcoming business system transition where systems literacy and accuracy is essential to maintain and improve service levels to our customer base.

The change DOES NOT focus us. We focus ourselves.

REVISION

Before

This change will allow us to better leverage our talent base in an area where developmental roles are under way and strategically focuses us toward the upcoming Business System transition where Systems literacy and accuracy will be essential to maintain and to further improve service levels to our customer base going forward.

After

This change allows us to better leverage our talent base where developmental roles are under way. Now we can focus on the upcoming business system transition where systems literacy and accuracy is essential to maintain and improve service levels to our customer base.

Example 20

REWRITE THIS SENTENCE THAT INTRODUCES A LIST

PROBLEM

Talk about beating around the bush!

You can reduce this long-winded sentence to one crisp statement.

DISCUSSION

See the Revision section.

REVISION

Before

[17 words]

You must provide the following information in order for us to be able to complete your request:

After

[4 words]

Provide the following information:

Example 21

REWRITE THIS SENTENCE

 PROBLEM

Wordiness.

DISCUSSION

The best way to determine whether or not (oops!) your sentence has some wordiness is to remove the suspect word or phrase and see if the sentence still makes sense. Let’s do that.

Compare these two sentences:

This query specifies whether or not to return profile data for child accounts.

This query specifies whether to return profile data for child accounts.

Do we lose any meaning if we remove the words or not? No, not really. The meaning is still intact.

REVISION

Before

This query specifies whether or not to return profile data for child accounts.

After

This query specifies whether to return profile data for child accounts.